It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
