News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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