apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Don't tell me you're on acid again
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize