Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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