My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
