I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
