Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
