Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
