I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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