If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
