PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
