I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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