OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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