3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
