2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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