The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
It's never too late to be topless.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize