Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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