i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I supernannyed him into submission
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
