its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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