the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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