Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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