My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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