that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
