I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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