I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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