We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
