Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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