Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
