I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
