you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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