I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
