There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize