hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
