as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
