I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
