Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
