she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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