just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
