Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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