my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
