Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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