Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
