my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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