New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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