Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
