I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
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