1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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