the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
