her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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