Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
