new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
