If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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