What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Randomize
