I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
