im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
