Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
