Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize