I cockslap morals
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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