Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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