i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
