She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
