two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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