A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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