I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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