If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize